CB Radio: The Original Social Media—But Stupider
CB radio (that’s Citizens Band Radio, for those not born before rotary phones) is a place where truckers, hobbyists, and total weirdos shout into the void with nicknames like Beaver Tail, Mud Duck, and The Number Three Repeater. It’s basically Twitter for people who still think AOL is cutting-edge, except you can’t mute anyone and most transmissions come with a side of static and belching.
The Local Scene: A Cast of Characters
🔊 Dick Bulger:
The king of Channel 38. Dick spends most of his time half-hammered on Michelob, telling stories about how he fought off seagulls with a breadstick at Revere Beach, or how he’s trying to legalize indoor smoking and clams. He’s known for the legendary Nutsack Kick Heimlich Maneuver, and he’s banned from more pizza places than you can count on one greasy hand. His rig sounds like a trash can filled with hamsters on meth, but he gets through loud and clear—because his signal is powered by pure chaos.
👴 Charlie:
Dick’s long-suffering sidekick and occasional CPR practice dummy. Charlie once nearly died from a pepperoni incident at Monte’s Pizza, but Dick saved him with a strategic groin kick. Charlie’s main hobbies include eating clams, missing teeth, and misquoting conspiracy theories he read on Facebook.
🇨🇦 The Number Three Repeater (Calvin):
A Canadian with a handle that sounds like a bad radio station. He’s polite until someone mentions the metric system, and then he starts quoting Fahrenheit like it’s a religious text. His voice is smoother than maple syrup, but don’t be fooled—he’ll roast you over the airwaves for being “soft like a Timbit.”
💩 Billygoat:
The ultra-right-wing, nicotine-powered, caffeinated conspiracy theorist who lives for yelling about politics and “real American values” (which, to him, mostly means clinging to his vintage CB gear and screaming about “libs” ruining CB). He hates The Wisconsin Cheese Cutter, a notorious liberal CB operator who’s always calling in with fake news and weed jokes.
👑 The Wisconsin Cheese Cutter:
A weed-smoking, Grateful Dead-listening operator from the Midwest who likes to troll Billygoat with fake news and pro-weed propaganda. He’s the Cheech to Billygoat’s Clint Eastwood and the bane of Fox News watchers everywhere.
📡 The Scene:
The local airwaves are a constant battleground of nonsense. You’ve got operators trying to out-shout each other with tales of alien abductions, bad restaurant reviews, and deeply confusing political rants. On a good night, the transmissions sound like a fever dream where everyone’s yelling over each other like drunk uncles at Thanksgiving.
Why It’s Awesome
- It’s where Dick Bulger can pretend he’s the mayor of a town made of static and beer foam.
- It’s the original cancel-proof social media. No bans. No shadow bans. Just pure, unfiltered nonsense.
- It’s living proof that no matter how old you get, you can always find new and creative ways to argue with strangers about clams, politics, and whose antenna is bigger.
Here’s a quick rundown of reputable online sources for CB radio equipment that aren’t Amazon (because, you know, Jeff Bezos doesn’t need more of our money):
- Right Channel Radios – These guys specialize in CB gear, from complete kits to parts and antennas. They’re known for great customer service and easy-to-understand guides.
- Walcott Radio – A CB radio pro shop with decades of experience. They carry high-end gear, offer installation services, and even sell refurb gear if you’re feeling thrifty.
- CB World – They’ve got a wide selection of CB radios, antennas, and accessories. Plus, they’ve been around long enough that they know their stuff (and they ship fast).
- Copper Electronics – A veteran of the CB radio world, Copper offers a huge selection of CB radios and accessories, often at competitive prices. Just be aware, their website design hasn’t changed since the days of dial-up.
- Bells CB – Known for their top-notch tuning and custom work, Bells CB caters to both hobbyists and truckers alike. If you want your radio screaming on the airwaves, these guys can make it happen.
BONUS: Dick Bulger Special
While most folks shop at these fine establishments, Dick Bulger prefers the old-school route—buying used CB radios from a guy named Lenny who sets up shop in the parking lot behind the Golden Banana. The deals are questionable, the warranties are non-existent, and half the radios are held together with duct tape and regret—but they always come with a free onion ring if you haggle hard enough.
If you need help with setting up your own CB radio, you can email dick@dickbulger.com
