Do you support the president who embraces Communist Party agents at Mar-a-Lago? Well Dick Bulger doesn’t invite commies to HIS house (to be fair, he lives in his car, but still).
The political landscape shifted dramatically this weekend as legendary CB radio misfit and all-around degenerate, Dick Bulger, issued a fiery public denouncement of communism. His reason? A bad chicken finger at Fantasy Island!
In a press conference held from the cracked vinyl backseat of his 1987 Buick Regal (the one with “FREE BILLYGOAT” spray-painted on the trunk), Bulger, clutching a Pabst Blue Ribbon in one hand and a suspiciously greasy napkin in the other, recounted the harrowing tale.
“I used to think maybe we could all share the wealth, you know? Maybe spread the roast beef around. But then I got this commie chicken finger at Fantasy Island. Dry, rubbery, and tasted like it got cooked by Stalin’s ghost himself. That’s when I knew—this sharing nonsense is for the birds,” Bulger slurred, dramatically flinging a half-eaten mozzarella stick into the parking lot.
Sources close to Bulger, including Ricky, “The Number Three Repeater” and a guy named “5150” who may or may not live in a van behind the Home Depot, confirmed the incident occurred during Fantasy Island’s “Communist Combo Night,” a promotion where patrons received a free egg roll if they pledged allegiance to the proletariat.
“The guy’s been on the fence about politics for years,” said Ricky. “But one bite of that chicken finger, and it was like Lenin himself punched him in the taste buds.”
Witnesses say Bulger immediately left Fantasy Island, knocking over three decorative bamboo plants and launching into an impromptu sermon about the dangers of collectivized dining. His voice allegedly reached Channel 38 on the CB band as he declared, “No man should have to share his sweet and sour sauce with the masses!”
Bulger has since doubled down on his anti-communist stance, reportedly burning a stack of old Mao posters he’d used to wallpaper his bathroom and swearing off any buffet that doesn’t include personal dipping cups. He’s also launched a movement called “Free the Fried,” which aims to preserve individual ownership of chicken fingers and boneless wings.
In an unrelated but somehow connected statement, Bulger declared he will never again trust a man in a polyester Mandarin-collared vest and has called for a boycott of all establishments with koi ponds.
Fantasy Island management has declined to comment, though one employee, who wished to remain anonymous, whispered, “He ate the whole plate. Then he asked for another.”
Stay tuned as Dick Bulger’s anti-communist, pro-chicken-finger-rights crusade continues to heat up like a fryer on Saturday night.
More on Donald Trump’s friend Cindy Yang from Wikipedia:
