Trump ALWAYS Chickens Out! Read on for a BONUS RECIPE! TACO – LMAO, that’s what Wall Street traders are calling him now. And he HATES IT. He chickened out so hard on tariffs it almost eclipsed his great chickening-out of the Vietnam war. That’s why today, we’re celebrating TACO TUESDAY in honor of the diaper-wearing conman who sucks Putin’s balls!
Dick Bulger’s FAMOUS Kowloon Dumpster Chicken Tacos
As seen on absolutely zero cooking shows.
WARNING: Consuming this may result in hallucinations, gastrointestinal regret, or sudden urges to scream at parking meters.
🛠️ Ingredients:
- 6 chicken fingers, Kowloon dumpster-aged (bonus flavor if seagulls have nibbled the ends)
- 4 cracked Ortega taco shells, stolen from a Dollar Tree run during a blizzard
- 1 packet of expired duck sauce, squeezed from the glove compartment of Dick’s Buick
- Half a bag of shredded lettuce, pre-browned
- “Cheese” — actually just American singles, hand-shredded with a key
- Mystery powder Dick calls “Taco Dust” (believed to be crushed Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and drywall)
- A splash of warm Michelob (for “moisture and courage”)
- Optional garnish: a single Lucky Charms marshmallow and a band-aid, for texture
🔥 Instructions:
- Forage your fingers:
Wait until after 9 p.m. when Kowloon tosses the deep-fried relics of family combos #38 through #62. Make sure to hiss at raccoons to assert dominance. - “Sanitize” the meat:
Wipe each chicken finger with a napkin that’s at least 60% clean. Shout “EXORCIZAMUS TE” while doing it. Heat in the sun on your dashboard for 18 minutes or until slightly crispy and/or buzzards circle. - Shell prep:
Take your broken Ortega shells and “fuse” them with duck sauce as glue. Stack two for “Boston-style crunch insurance.” - Assembly line:
Slap a chicken finger into each shell like you’re evicting a squirrel from your crawlspace. Sprinkle the Flamin’ Drywall Dust™. Add wilted lettuce, shredded Kraft cheese with your car key, and give it a generous glug of Michelob. - Presentation:
Serve on the hood of the Buick, atop a Hubcap Lazy Susan™. Light a citronella candle for ambiance and to confuse the wasps.
💬 Dick’s Pro Tip:
“If the chicken’s still warm, don’t eat it—it means someone else just threw it out. Let it age like fine prison wine.”
Pair With:
- Warm grape Faygo
- Nicotine patch garnish
- Flat tire on Route 1
And remember kids, Donald Trump has 34 felonies!
