That’s right, Dick Bulger is running for president in 2028. Here’s more about his platform.
The Bulger Party: “Roast Beef for the Masses, Clams for the Classes”
🔥 Core Values
- Legalize Clams Nationwide – Even though they’re already legal, Dick will fight for extra legal clam rights. Free clams at polling places, clam-themed fireworks, and “Clamnesty” for all previously outlawed clam smugglers.
- Roast Beef Stimulus Checks – Forget cash; every family gets a weekly roast beef sandwich hand-delivered by a confused teenager in a sweat-stained Celtics jersey.
- National Michelob Stockpile – Strategic reserves of Michelob to keep America’s dignity intact during tough times. Also, emergency Michelob showers at rest stops.
- Ban All New Moons – If the moon’s not full, Dick refuses to change his underwear. The Bulger Party will establish a Department of Lunar Regulations to ensure underwear safety and hygiene.
📡 Radio and Communications Reform
- CB Radios in Every Home – Forget broadband, it’s all about ch. 38. Also, mandatory training in shouting “Breaker Breaker” at confused neighbors.
- Pirate Radio Tuesdays – Every Tuesday, unlicensed radio operators can broadcast their weirdest theories, sandwich recipes, or open-mic karaoke without FCC interference.
🏛️ Foreign and Domestic Policy
- Declare Massachusetts a Foreign Country for Tax Reasons – That way Dick can pay himself to visit his own backyard, which he’ll declare a foreign embassy.
- Oil Change Freedom Act – All oil drain bolts must come with optional, decorative bacon-crusted washers.
- Ban Olive Garden’s Breadstick Monopoly – No more corporate control over free breadsticks. Dick proposes nationalizing the breadstick industry, renaming it the “United Breadstick Works.”
🚗 Transportation and Infrastructure
- Rebuild Infrastructure Using Recycled Beer Cans – Forget steel and concrete; Dick proposes a shimmering, glimmering aluminum road system with a hint of stale beer aroma.
- Disco Era Restoration Act – He’ll repave all roads with light-up tiles and install disco balls on every traffic light, making every commute feel like Studio 54 on I-93.
🎤 Closing Statement
Dick Bulger: “I’m the only candidate who’s willing to stand up to the Clam Lobby, shout into the void on CB channel 38, and deliver roast beef justice to this great nation. Vote for me, or I’ll eat raw bacon in your driveway. Your move, America.”